With our move complete, I set out to start making our new house a home. First things first, getting MaKayla adjusted to her new school. She has always been the kind of kid who could make friends anywhere- camping, school, even the grocery store. But I was nervous. She had just left a ton of friends at her old school and I was worried that this change would have a negative effect on her.
I should have known.
After a bumpy first week, she managed to gather about 10 new friends who consistently clog up my phone line. It's a relief to know that she's hanging in there.
She began her riding lessons and took to it like she's been riding all her life. She has always had a way with animals and apparently horses are no exception. Two summers ago, she was at my aunt's house and went across the street to pet a horse that was in a little pen... or maybe it's called a corral? I don't know, but she spent hours at a time out there. My mom and aunt looked out there after not seeing her for a couple hours and what did they see? MaKayla riding around bareback on the horse! I should have known from that she would be fine.
Other things to look forward to... Quad trails open up next week, and we'll be up there! She can't wait- she's gotten real brave on those trails, while I panic. I'm pretty sure that if I could, I would make her wear full medieval battle armor before riding.
We go on day after day, enjoying our life. But there's always this little cloud that seems to follow. A couple of weeks ago, on a Sunday, it was just beautiful out. My cousin came down to stay a couple days and within minutes of her arrival we started talking about what to do on such a gorgeous day. MaKayla suggested heading to the ocean, since it's so close to our new home, and ten minutes later, we were off. It started wonderful, wandering through the little shops and laughing as we tried on different silly hats and glasses. We decided to head down to the beach. As we walked onto the sand, something drew my attention to a white car with someone unloading chairs onto the beach. I laughed and made the comment that we should have driven down instead of walking. As the person stood up, another came around the side of the car. Sure enough, it was the pervert and Lucifer.
What are the chances of that shit?
We continued walking, but in complete silence. My mind swirled around, battling my own emotions as well as my concerns for how MaKayla would handle it. I stayed calm, and so did she until later when it was just the two of us and I let her talk and talk and talk. Needless to say, we have found a new therapist for her.
It serves as a reminder that even though she told, even though she's had intensive therapy, even though she's off all meds, even though the trial is over.... What he did will always have an effect on her. I try to be grateful that the first year of this is over and that she is, for the most part, symptom free. But PTSD doesn't just disappear, it's apparently a fight. I hate it. It's exhausting. I get relief in the months that she is a normal, mouthy 13 year old. But then something will happen, usually not pertaining to Doug, that brings up some feelings or fears or anger that has to be dealt with. A friend of hers recently had sex for the first time... yes, at 13, which is disturbing. This friend was talking to MaKayla about it and when she came home was very quiet. After a while, she started telling me about this girl and the anxiety attack came on strong. I talked her through it and a couple hours later MaKayla says, 'What is wrong with me? Why did I freak out?' She doesn't make the connection between the two. But any conversation about touching of body parts brings on not just anxiety, but sometimes depression and anger. Thank God for therapists.
I remind myself to just breathe and keep plugging along. She's a great kid, has really matured and grown a lot in just the last 6 months. There's the typical teenage behavior which aggravates me to no end, but as it is nothing compared her symptoms of PTSD I almost don't mind. Almost. She will be okay in the end, so far she has been faced with some tough decisions but has made good ones. She's involved in positive activites and her friends are good kids for the most part. The ones that aren't making good choices don't last long in MaKayla's world, she's pretty picky about that thank God. So I really believe that she will continue to be strong, healthy and happy and that what Doug did to her will NOT ruin her life. She is a survivor, NOT his victim.
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