1.) I know it's not my fault... technically. You can tell me everyday, and though at some point I'll stop blaming myself out loud, nothing you can say will deter me from the internal battle.
2.) Don't give me any shit for my daughter's behavior. It will pass, but it takes time. She's pissed off at the world. She's angry at me, and yes, I do know that is unreasonable. But it doesn't mean her anger towards me isn't real. I was supposed to protect her, and even though I didn't know it was happening, at some point she will see that as a failure on my part as a mother. It will pass.
3.) Stop thinking that just because it's been six months, or a year, or 1 year 9 months and 2 days that it doesn't hurt every second. I am not capable of forgiveness, moving on or dating... so stop expecting it. I have lost my ability to trust my own instincts as a mother, lover and woman. I don't know who I am anymore so please don't assume that I am the same person you knew before 'it' happened.
4.) Don't say the following words... 'If it was _______, I'd kill him.' No you wouldn't- pay attention. Chances are, the dirty bastard is not some random person off the street, it is someone you know and love. It's your husband, father, brother, grandfather... It's a slap in the face that just keeps coming. YOU don't know what you would do, because (thank God) it didn't happen to your baby.
5.) Be patient. I'm given to irrational fits of anger when the topic of him or his family is brought up. The trial is an on-going source of anxiety, pain, embarrassment, nightmares and tears. Holding onto my anger, no matter how unhealthy, keeps it from hurting so much. So when I tell you in graphic detail how I dream of hurting him... or his mother... or grandmother... please understand that in a sick way I am protecting myself. Your eyes will widen, mouth hang open, but please don't judge.
6.) Yes, I hate the idea of a relationship.... but that doesn't mean I am becoming a lesbian, thank you very much.
7.) You may wonder how I can talk about some sick and shocking things WITHOUT anger... this may puzzle you, so let me explain. Some things hurt so bad I can't let myself feel them. The pain is crazy intense to the point that I can't even use hatred and anger to push it down. So I speak briefly in a somewhat monotone voice... it doesn't mean anything else.
8.) Don't expect me to forget about his children. I loved and cared for those kids for three years, and I miss them everyday. Fifteen years from now, one of them could call me out of the blue and ask for money, and God help me I would do it. Your opinion on this isn't necessary, thank you.
9.) I know God has his reasons. I get that. God and I have talked and we worked out our issues. Now leave it alone.
10.) Be patient. We have gone through many phases, and whichever one we are in now will pass or evolve into something else. It's okay to ask.... better to ask than judge.
No comments:
Post a Comment