I woke up once, to the sound of Doug laughing outside. I heard Lucifer's voice and realized she had arrived to pick up Timmy. I waited for the yelling, for a confrontation from her and Doug both, banded together in defense. But it didn't come. Instead, the banter continued outside for some time as Lucifer had taken to spending as much time as possible hanging around when picking up the kids. I drifted off again.
When I woke up, I instinctively knew it was dark out. I walked out into the living room, convinced Doug would be gone, having left this mess behind him and leaving me to pick up the pieces. I was wrong, but only for that moment... there would be many pieces to pick up.
The evening progressed in a haze, with me stumbling around silently, waiting for Doug to say.... something. We ended up outside, sitting down smoking. He began by stating yet again, 'This could ruin my life.'
'I know', I said.
'Well I guess I can forget about getting custody of Timmy, at least for now,' he said.
I didn't answer.
'Allie, I love you dearly, but I can't stay here anymore.'
I looked at him. 'Well, no, you can't.' As a mother I knew that he couldn't, that was a forgone conclusion. To have him stay would mean CPS taking my daughter and it would be a cold day in hell before I allowed that.
Doug got up and went inside, while I stayed with all my questions I was afraid to ask. I was afraid to ask him directly if he had touched my daughter and knew it would be pointless anyway. I mean really, what would he say? 'Sure I did! And let me tell you how!' Really wasn't going to happen.
I walked in the house and saw he had taken a couple shots of Jack Daniels. He came into the kitchen smiling, and asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with him he had borrowed from.... someone. Shit, I don't remember who he got it from. Oh well, guess it's not important.
I was pretty stunned. We had just had a very calm discussion about him leaving and his life possibly being ruined and here he was, smiling and wanting to watch a movie. I followed him to our room where he put the movie into his computer and sat at his desk while I sat across the room on our bed. It is just know occurring to me that we didn't watch it in the living room. That's odd, really- Why would he do that? Hmmm, no idea.
Doug decided he was hungry and asked me to run to Taco Bell. This was common, him asking me to go somewhere in the middle of the night and I welcomed the chance to get away. While out, I made a call to Jane Doe, telling her of Doug's reaction... or lack there of. I got home, watching him laugh at the movie, waiting for.... something. Perhaps a giant flashing sign above his head that screamed I DID IT! But there was nothing.
The movie ended, and Doug stood in the doorway. 'I'm not sleeping in here'. And then he stared at me, waiting for a response.
'You're right, you're not.'
A moment of silence. I should say something now about the significance of my reply. If there was one thing that drove me completely nutty in our relationship, it was when we would argue and he would decide to sleep on the couch... drove me nuts. I hated it, and he knew it. This was a classic Doug move, to say he wasn't sleeping with me and then wait for me to ask him to stay.
'You know this is really fucked up. What am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to go?' There was finally a little edge in his voice.
'I don't know. You can go to your brother's or your mom's...' I started.
'I can't go to my mom's, she has kids there', he said.
Wow. What a response. I couldn't speak. There were no words left in me. He retreated to the living room, and I laid down.
The next morning he was gone, but not for long.
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